“Women’s mission is to live, not to have kids”

Selfish, individualistic, career-focused are just a few of the comments women hear when they respond “no” to the question “do you want to have children?”, often followed by a “come on, you’ll change your mind”. Francesca has had many conversations like these; since she was a teenager, she’s been clear about one thing: she doesn’t want children. “At eighteen, I decided to undergo surgery, but I had to wait until I was twenty-three to do it. I struggled a lot to find a doctor who took me seriously; they treated me paternalistically. Some had told me that to undergo surgery, I would have to get married first and have my husband’s consent.”

In 2017, she underwent a bilateral salpingectomy, the total removal of her fallopian tubes, an operation that allows her not to get pregnant during sexual intercourse. “I reflected a lot on the decision I made, and I don’t regret it; I’m sure.” It’s not an irreversible choice because if she were to change her mind in the future, she could resort to other methods such as in vitro fertilization or adoption, but the fear of getting pregnant and finding herself trapped in that situation led her to make a radical choice.

When she decided to undergo the procedure, she had the support of all her loved ones; no one judged her. Then she told her story to the Gazzettino di Padova, and that’s when the insults started: “Freedom bothers people; when stories like mine are spread, the risk of polarizing stances is just around the corner. I believe that a woman can be many things, but for many people, there’s only the idea of a child and motherhood.”

Francesca’s decision isn’t driven by ethical or moral motivations, such as eco-anxiety or overpopulation; therefore, she doesn’t see it as an identity claim or political battle and criticizes some activists from childfree groups: “I find them too aggressive; sometimes they convey the wrong message, namely that children are only sacrifice and renunciation, when they are also much more. You have to do what you feel.”

It’s not only childless women who are subject to criticism, but also mothers. According to data from a Save The Children survey in 2022, Italian mothers are “jugglers”; they juggle between work and household chores and don’t have time to dedicate to couple life or cultivating personal interests.

Eve has an eighteen-year-old son, and she wanted him very much. “I prepared carefully for his arrival; I read many books, attended prenatal yoga classes, I was very attached to the idea of natural motherhood. Those who propose this approach suggest opting for childbirth avoiding epidurals and cesarean sections.” Then her baby was born. “After the first breastfeeding period, I realized that I was annoyed by having him on me all the time; I don’t love physical contact, it makes me uncomfortable. I suffered from postpartum depression.”

She’s not alone; according to data published on the Ministry of Health’s website in 2023, about 10% of postpartum women are victims of it, while 70%-80% experience the so-called baby blues, which are days of emotional instability following childbirth. The stereotypical narrative of motherhood suggests that the pregnancy period is the happiest in a woman’s life. When in reality, hormonal imbalances and anxiety negatively affect their mental health.

Eve says she felt inadequate as a mother for a long time and thought that the parenting role wasn’t suitable for her. “In 2016, I came across some Facebook groups of mothers who, like me, preferred a ‘natural’ approach, so they kept their children in bed, used slings instead of strollers to carry them around. Those who suggest adopting this approach believe that by doing so, the child won’t have problems during growth because they’ve been carefully monitored. But it’s not true; it’s all unpredictable.” And she adds, “I saw that all the mothers who rigorously followed that method were unhappy; they vented, they were frustrated because the parenting example they pursued seemed unattainable to them. At that moment, I realized that I wasn’t alone, and above all, that it wasn’t me who was inadequate, it was the model I aspired to that wasn’t perfectly replicable.”

At that point, Eve discovered a new world; she began to read manuals that debunked the myth of perfect parenting and felt at peace with herself. She then started spreading awareness on Instagram to share what she had discovered with others. “Unfortunately, that world is full of toxic narratives; there’s still a tendency to spread an idea of motherhood that harms all of us. The idea of sacrifice continues to be overrepresented; when a woman becomes a mother, it seems she has to give up everything. It’s not like that,” Eve concludes.

Both Francesca and Eve have chosen to assert their freedom by pursuing a different desire, but one that has an equal degree of intensity. They both agree with the italian journalist Natalia Aspesi who, during an interview, reminded that “the mission of women is not to have children, but to live.”